REFLECTION

Melyn's e-diary, Poetry and Travelogue

Chapter 1: I’ll Follow Wherever You Go

going-away

I’m still in the dark and I can’t find a way out.  I don’t know what to do I feel so helpless.  I really wanted to scream so the world would  know how I feel.  I don’t know where to start … my life has turned into pieces. I fell and stumbled so many times; yet I’m still heeding on the same direction.  I really wanted to get away from this life full predicaments. I wanted to change my path, I wanted to create a path I wanted to be – a life worth living for – a life full of happiness.  In this world we are given so many chances to choose what is best for us.  I know what is best for me, what are the things that really make me happy.  I would never let anyone come between me and my destiny.  I’m sick…

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REFLECTION

Chapter 2: Leaving  You Behind

It’s now or never. I don’t want to stay in this island anymore. I don’t want to hear my parents fighting everyday. I’ve waited this moment so I could leave this place. I am going to the city. I’ll go to college and I’ll fulfill all my dreams.

I had few scholarships from other colleges in the province but I opted to go to Manila. I have so many thoughts in my head. Maybe because I wanted to forget so many unhappy memories in my childhood days. My parents didn’t want me to leave.  My mother told me that life in the city is more difficult to cope up. She didn’t want to be away from me and so did I. I love my Mom, she was like my best friend. But I’d made up my mind.  I wanted to prove to everybody that I could stand on my own.

I was  boarding on  the big ship heading to Manila. I stayed at the upper deck of the ship to get some air. I was looking at the dark sky  wishing I could sight a star. I always believe that Stars in the skies were every man’s dreams. If I could sight a perfect star for me then my dreams would come true one day. I was sad and alone. I don’t know what is waiting for me in this journey.

Mom, Dad I am going to miss you. I am sorry if I have to leave the town.  I will only come back if I am done with my studies in the city. I promise I will never fail you. I was really hurt when Dad didn’t want me to go to college. He didn’t care if I have a great future.  He just want me to stay in the island.

“Why are you leaving? Are you gonna leave us just like your other brothers and sisters did? After we sent them to high school they left and never come back.”

I replied,  “Dad, I wanted to go to college. I want to be a Journalist like Korina Sanchez or  to be an Author like J.K.Rowling.”

My Dad demanded, “I don’t want you to be anything. I don’t care if you are smart enough to go to college, but you are staying in this house. I never asked you to get any award you should have given that to other student. I can’t take that shit to my grave!”

I couldn’t believe my own Father was saying those harsh words – he had no dreams for his life nor for his children. He grew up as an orphan his Dad remarried when my grandma died when she committed suicide after she gave birth to my father. He has no directions in life and he quit dreaming. For him dreaming of a better life is just for rich people.

It was selfish.  But I couldn’t change the way he thinks.  I only hope that someday when I become successful. I can prove him that dreaming wasn’t wrong after all.

I tried to wipe off my tears I couldn’t really  help it.

“Melyn, Melyn!!!”

I heard someone was calling my name.

“Hey May! What are you doing here? It’s nice to see you.”

May Michelle is one of my batch mates we were in the same year- she was from the class of section B. I was just so happy I found someone I knew on the ship.

“What are you doing here? Come on, let’s go back inside for ticket inspection. Then maybe after the inspection we can roam around, there are some cute boys around.”

I suddenly got nervous, I need to hide because I didn’t have a ticket. I tried to get one but tickets  were sold out. I  didn’t want to miss this trip or else  I would be late for school enrollment.

“May, the thing is I don’t have a ticket. My cousin just told the ship crew in the main entrance to let me in.” I explained.

May Michelle was surprised, but later on she just gave me a sweet smile, then she suddenly grabbed my left arm to lead me to a small isle. This was found at the very center of the ship and at the corner  you could see a staircase going up.

“What’s going on? Where are you taking me? Are we supposed to go up stairs. It says For Authorize personnel Only.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll  keep you  company. Let’s stay here. The scenery is a lot better from up here. If somebody finds us, let’s just pretend we lost our way.” She laughed

“That was silly of you. Thank’s anyway.”  I reacted.

“Did you see him?” She asked. Trying to break the tension.

“Who?” I wondered, my slit eyes just turned big and round trying to figure out that person she meant.

She giggled…

“You mean…hmmm is he really on this ship?”  My voice was shaking while waiting for a confirmation.

“Yes, He is here.” She confirmed and giggled at the same time.

I don’t know what to say. I was so upset. He said he is not going to Manila yet. He said if he does he will get there by an airplane.

“Are you going to talk to him? hey, are you alright? I thought you guys already settle your issues before the graduation day.” 

We are not okay. I don’t like to see him. Seeing him make me more upset.

I couldn’t deny the fact that he became part of my teenage life. But he never been good to me. He was not proud of me.   He couldn’t even introduce me to his family and friends. Maybe I was not great enough for him. I am just a poor girl living in a small village while he is a son of Chinese Businessman in our island. They have a better life compared to anybody.  He’d always made me feel I was nobody.

(Flashback)

It was a Town fiesta that night. I was with my friends. I knew he wont come to see me. He might be with his friends drinking and smoking. Most teenage boys in the school did these things. Curiosity I bet.

I was with my best friend Pal Che and my  friend  Marlo that time. We were sitting at the bleachers of the court.

“Hey, don’t be sad. If he is not coming to see you. It’s okay. You’ll be fine. I’ll be right here I won’t leave you. I’ll take you home. Come on, cheer up pretty girl.”

I was grateful to have a friend who always there to listen and accompany me. He was always good to me and he took care of me.

“Will you stay with me, even if comes? Won’t you let him come near me? Do you promise?” I pleaded.

“Promise! Cross my Heart!”

I was busy chatting with other friends for a little while. I noticed Marlo wasn’t at the bleacher anymore. He was standing talking to him. He handed his phone to Marlo. They were both smiling. Marlo hurriedly approached me.

“Hey, would you come with me just a minute please. It won’t take long. I promise.”

“Where are we going? Why are you talking to him? What did you talk about?” I ranted.

He took me inside a parked tricycle, and I got inside and sat. He left me there. From a far I saw a shadow of a boy coming towards me. I was so nervous. He stood next to me.Grab my hand.

“Hi, how are you? I miss you. I’m sorry if I just came now. I was busy.” He explained in a calm voice.

I looked away. I don’t want to see him. He always say sorry. had so many excuses and alibis. I was tired of it.

“Please let’s talk. Would you scoot over so I can  sit beside you?” 

“Where is Marlo? Where did he go? Why he left me here alone? He promised not to leave me!” I asked in an irritated voice.

“He had my phone, he said, he would let me talk to you if I lend him my phone.” He explained with a naughty smile.

“He is jerk! You  bribed him with your phone!” I screamed.

I tried to be calm down. So I let him stay for a while to talk to me. I must understood that he was just a young boy that time maybe 15 or 16, so immature about love.

After awhile we were started laughing together. However his Mom and sister passed by. he was scared and didn’t know what to do. is he going to stand up this time and introduce me to his family or he is going to run again and pretended he didn’t know me at all.

“Busted! I’m going now.” He ran away without saying good bye.

“Not again jerk!”

I don’t know why, I’m still with this boy. He was really immature at his age. Maybe I’m too afraid to break up with him. Maybe I’m too afraid to be left out in the group. Do I really like him? Or I am just with him to make someone jealous.

Yes, I like someone else. I dreamed of someone else to be my boyfriend. But he never noticed me. He had another girlfriend. He always had my heart. He was my  first dance. When his heart was taken by another girl. I decided to be someone’s girl.  It was a silly idea. But  I was just too young that time to understand.

“Life is about exploring our horizon, and Learning from our experience. Everyone makes mistakes, and Learning our lessons from it makes us a better person for tomorrow”

**end of Chapter Two**

girl_ship_sailing_sunset

Don’t Say Goodbye

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He was sitting on a rocking chair. His eyes was tired, his voice was weak. I held his warm hands. My heart was in so much distress and sadness and  I couldn’t endure the pain looking at him. He was in terrible pain. I could see it in his face he was all ready to succumb to his illness.

“I love you Dad! I really miss you so much.” I said in a rattling voice to gently break the silence surrounded us.

As he looked at me I saw some sparks coming from his cloudy eyes. Those eyes  were been in  the dark for so long. They have awakened trying to express an emotion hovering inside.  My dad was blind since he was 60 years old. He had an eye disease called cataract.

He was already 85 years old and his body was changing,  it was withering away because of his  age and illness. For so many years he became so unhappy and lonely, when my Mom passed away. I felt that dreadful feeling. I thought grieving would just last for awhile but it took me three years to finally accept that  my beloved mother was really gone.

I know I have this guilt haunting me. I left my Dad alone, I should have taken care of him. But how, my job was in the city. I was only renting a small apartment. He lives with my brother in the island. We send money for his medication and their daily expenses.  If only my other sisters would take care of him. But nobody wants to give a commitment. All of them were busy with their family and their own lives. How I  wish my elder   sister would volunteer to offer her  big house- I guess  there was so much room for my Dad it would be easier and closer for all his children to visit him. There are so many hospitals or clinic nearby unlike in the island hospitals are in far away town.  But  it’s not my choice to decide.

“I’m sorry Dad! I’m really sorry if I just  came now.”

He held my hand and felt it.

My brother told me that Dad  couldn’t remember all his children anymore even their names. His memory was fading and losing. A condition or disease  that  old people  over 70 years old most likely had.

It was really heart breaking to see him like this.

I reached his forehead and asked.

“Dad, do you know me? Do you still remember me?  Do you recognize my voice?”

My Dad nodded, and quickly responded.

“Yes, you are my Bunso,my youngest child. She was a Class Valedictorian from Kinder to high school. I’m so proud of her.”

My eyes were filled with tears. I could no longer endure the pain I was bearing inside.

My Dad, still remember me. He never let me slipped  in his memory. I was so happy – but it only lasted for awhile.

I took the scissors and comb from the drawer and I started cutting his long grey hairs. I also shaved off some of his mustache and beards. His eye brows were long that it almost covered his eyes.

That was the happiest moment I had with my Dad. Our little bonding moment I considered.

Every night we  heard his screams brought by a dying pain. We didn’t know what to do. His body was shutting down. He was screaming for his Father’s name, his grand parents  begging to take his life.

God, I don’t want to see my Father suffering. Please help him contain the pain. I don’t like to feel the same fear, the same pain when I saw my Mom dying from suffering from a breast cancer. I knew how difficult it was. Seeing her in so much pain was tormenting. It stabbed my heart over and over.  If I could  just  take away all  those pains and bear it myself.

It was really painful and difficult moment in our lives when we are  losing our love ones.

Those pains dwelling inside were like an atomic bomb. It would explode devastatingly.  Not just one time but it was like forever. I could not think of any accurate word to define that ill feeling it was obsolete. All I wanted is to get away or run away from it. It was like you were stubbed  by a knife in your heart million times.

Just like when I lose my Mom, I told her, “Please  don’t leave us yet. I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stay.  If there is a miracle, you will live. You will recover and you’ll be fine. But I don’t want to be selfish, if leaving us in this world will give you peace and comfort and  will take away all the pains and sufferings then let it be…”.

I’m telling the same thing to my dying Father. I wanted him to fight against death. I wanted him to live and stay. But I don’t want to see him suffering and fading little by little.

“Dad, please don’t say goodbye yet. I still want to hold your hand. I still want to hear your voice. I still want to feel your breath. But I know you can’t hold anymore. Just like me and all your children. But before you go, I just want to tell you. I love you so much. I really do.”

But we know he  really had to go. Mom was waiting for him. She would take him to a place where they could find their own comfort free from any pains and sufferings. Where they could be together again and be  happy.

As he closed his breathless eyes  we saw a single tear rolling from it endlessly.***–***

 

 

Comment:

I wrote this piece in memory of my Dad,  I considered this as  one of my saddest memories. I lost my Father last October 4, 2015. He died on the day of my mother’s  death Anniversary.  My Mom died from a breast cancer last October 2012. Last night I remember both them, and I couldn’t help but cry. I wish they are still here. I love them so much, and I will forever remember them in my heart.

 

REFLECTION

Chapter 1: I’ll Follow Wherever You Go

going-away

I’m still in the dark and I can’t find a way out.  I don’t know what to do I feel so helpless.  I really wanted to scream so the world would  know how I feel.  I don’t know where to start … my life has turned into pieces. I fell and stumbled so many times; yet I’m still heeding on the same direction.  I really wanted to get away from this life full predicaments. I wanted to change my path, I wanted to create a path I wanted to be – a life worth living for – a life full of happiness.  In this world we are given so many chances to choose what is best for us.  I know what is best for me, what are the things that really make me happy.  I would never let anyone come between me and my destiny.  I’m sick of people intervening, people who give shits all the time to obstruct me.  I’ve finally made up my mind I will do things that really make me happy. I am going back to school… I will fulfill my dreams to become a Teacher. Yes, I will get a teaching certificate, then I will take a LET exam or a Master’s Degree in English language. Maybe I can teach English and World History- what about teaching General Science.

I graduated a course of Bachelor in Journalism, my dream was to be a great movie writer or a novelist. But living in a Third World Country- hunting a job is always a greatest problem.  After my graduation I started searching for a job, I had been to a thousand interviews and exams. Most of the time I felt dizzy and almost fainted out spending the whole day from job searching, I failed… I was just a fresh graduate and had no experience what chance do I have? I need to get a job to support myself, I’ll just fulfill my dreams later. Any opportunities came along. So whatever came first no second thoughts I would grab it.

I was so tired and I felt so helpless, I kept asking…why can’t I get a job?

Perhaps, my sister doesn’t want me around anymore. She was done with me, she sent me to college. It’s time for me to get a job and pay for myself, pay for my food. I am aware about the tension in the house.  She hates seeing me unemployed. I’m really scared to hear such harsh words – but I understand she needed to push me a little bit more.

One day I heard her screaming, I saw the fury in her eyes. I am not aware of what is going on. I don’t remember if I did something wrong. I am done cleaning the whole flat, washing clothes and cooking. I also babysit my 8 months old nephew.

“I am tired of your lazy bum, if you can’t follow my rules in this house, then pack up your things and leave!” She yelled with conviction.

I was on my feet – crying and trying to gain some strengths left on me. She accused me of doing something I never did. She didn’t want to hear my explanation; she didn’t want to hear anything I said.

For her I am a liar, because she thinks I am a writer- so I could just fabricate stories.

My feet take me to my brother’s house. I will stay there for a while. Until I figure out to sort things out.

I was sitting on sofa bed reading a message from a friend.

“Hey, where are you?

 I just got your message.

 Don’t worry I’m here for you.

All you have to do is come with me, let’s go to a faraway place.

Just you and me.

We’ll start a new life. Just trust me.”

He still wants to pursue me, after several rejections. Yes, I was helpless that time, but never in my wildest dream to go with this guy. I don’t love him.

I simply don’t like to be with him.

If ever I have changed my mind, he was just waiting me at the Bus Terminal.

I never went to see him, instead I headed to QC – a place where my other sister was practicing her teaching job. She heard what happened to me. She let me stay in her small boarding room.

All night I couldn’t get to sleep, I am preoccupied of the memories haunting me. I want to scream I want to erase them from my head. But how? I don’t know how.

A text message popped out on my phone.

“You  didn’t finish college if not with me! Where is your sense of gratitude???”

I tried to cover my ears with my bare hands, I don’t want to hear those phrases lingering inside my ears.

He didn’t send me to school. My sister did. He is really bad, after what he did to me? After those lies he said, all he wanted to do was destroy me. Why he was so mean to me? How can I get away from his shadow? He follows me wherever I go. Even in my dreams I saw his devil face  laughing at me.

I need to do something… I need to divert my mind to ease the tension.

The next day I attended to a teaching demonstration for a summer class- they were looking for an English teacher to teach for the summer class.

I never had a Teaching experience compared to other applicants who are all BEED graduates. In my surprise the owner of the school hired me to start teaching the next day.

It was a lovely morning to see all my pupils. They are all cute in their pink uniforms for the girls and baby blue for the boys.

“Good morning Teacher Melyn! Good morning Classmates!”

It felt great to hear those phrases it’s like a sound of music. I never thought the day would come – that I’ll be a teacher.

Seconds, minutes, hours, and days had passed. Summer Class was over, yet the school administrator retained my service until the opening of class in June.

I saw myself loving my job each day, I enjoyed telling stories to my pupils.  Maybe because I am really great at telling stories -everybody was alive and attentive while I was reading a children book.

I educate and share knowledge to all of them and at the same time I am also learning.

I cherish every moments I had with them I couldn’t imagine waking up one morning losing my teaching job.

But I have to quit my job after I had a serious GERD problem.

I couldn’t walk – I felt so much pain on my spinal cord and abdomen. I felt so weak. I was afraid I couldn’t recover.

My sister, asked me to come home – so I could get treatments or medication.

We are seemed okay now. But she never said sorry about what happened six months ago, she never said if she wanted to hear the other side of the story. I guess it would be better if it is remained unsaid.

**end of Chapter One**

Mom, I Love you!

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Mom, I love you!

I could tell you everything

Your heart understood and opened

You are regarded as my first best friend

 

Mom, I love you !

You are my Doctor every time I feel so ill

Your gentle touch caressed me

All my worries are completely gone free

 

Mom, I love you!

Your loving eyes were stern

When I needed a great advice

You guided me all this year to get rid all the vice

 

Mom, I love you!

Now you are away up in heaven

I always miss you every single day

I wish to see you … if only there is a way

**–**

Note:

I offer this poem to my mother who is up in heaven right now. She left us last October 5, 2012.  I really miss her and I will never get tired of telling her how much i love her. I will never forget her as long as I live.

 

 

 

 

SOMETIMES I LIED

Honesty is important inside this den

Lying is always forbidden

So a promise is made

A task I have to wade

..

I guarantee your trust

To make this relationship last

But lying sometimes ease the pressure

To avoid the conflict that cause fissure
..

Sometimes I lied because I’m really scared

But lying doesn’t mean I never cared

I know the rules I need to do

A covenant of me and you

..

I ‘m so sorry I really do

I never meant to make you blue

Please give me another chance

To make up to you just once

***–***

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My First Dance

dance-4

My First Dance
One gloomy night
I am staring at the dark sky
Wishing a star to sight
The Lightning strike, the thunders cry
I made a wish
A magic unleashed
A storm arrive
The night may not survive

..

I’ve waited this enchanting moment just right
A lad I love would take my hand
As I have saved my first dance on this Prom Night
I wish this night would be bland
Oh my sweet lad I love to dance
My heart aches for your glance
Wishing you would notice me
What a wonderful feeling it could be

..

When the music starts to play
The dance floor is filled up already
A lad takes my hand, but I turned my head away
I feel so sad and lonely
A magical moment I expect
I doubt would be perfect
He grabs my hand again
My heart jumps all of a sudden

..

He takes me to the dance floor and we joyfully sway
My heart beats really fast and my hands are really cold
This moment is so uneasy I don’t know what to say
Every steps we take I wish I could still hold
I feel his arms around my waist
A feeling so strong I couldn’t resist
I wish the night would never stop
As an “Ordinary Song” plays from the top
***–***

My Own Thoughts

This Poem is dedicated to my high school crush who happens to be a really good friend of mine. Every time I remember this moment I can’t help but smile. I want to thank him for making me experienced those splendid times that I will never forget for the rest of my life. 🙂

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